i'm ok..

i'm gonna be just fine..

i don't know what to say..

i want him back..

i need someone..

ugh..




i want to love..
and someone to love me back..

i want to settle down..


blah..

so to make myself feel a bit better..
i cut myself today..

twice over the heart and twice on my arm..

it feels great.. but the sting is starting to act up..



nick and i split.. which is most likely for the best..
and i highly doubt a future with him..
i really liked him.. but i don't like the way he runs off.. and i'm always worrying..
he says he wants to hang out with me still.. but i don't know if i can do it right away..
he's a great guy inside..
but it's hard getting it outta him..
i really felt something with him that i have never felt before..
but it also brought alot of things down on me..
and it wasn't good..

nick.. what i want to say to you.. is so much.. but it wont help us out in anyway.. i hope the best for you.. and we shall cross paths again somewheres in a better future..


right now is ME time!
time to get my life back..
time to get off all these pills and drinks.. and everything else..

i don't know how much more of this i can take.. he took off again and it's the next morning and still no sign or anything from him..

i'm a wreck..
i don't sleep..
i haven't eaten..
i puked blood this morning..
i've been puking for the last 3 days..
i cry everyday..

i'm so sick of this shit..



i have a doc appointment today..
and i'm not looking forward to it..
i'm scared they are gonna put me back in the ward for 3 days..
since that is manditory..
even though that might be the best thing for me..

i don't know..

i'm at a fucking lost..

i'm in a relationship.. but i feel as though it's not working..
i'm feeling severly depressed and can't stop thinking about ending my life once again.. and it's been this way for a bit now..
when i'm single.. i'm usually making everyone around me happy.. right now i'm trying to make myself happy as well as my other half..
it's complicated though..

i really like this kid.. i like the fact that he gets along with my brother and my family.. i like the fact that he can be sweet at times.. i like the fact that he cuddles and keeps me warm at night..

this is the first night where he has taken off and has yet to come back.. i don't know what to think about it.. i'm telling myself i can trust him.. when in reality i've been fucked over so many times that i don't know if i can really trust yet..

we are also trying to stay sober.. and i'm afraid the reason why he isn't coming back tonight is cuz he fucked up and doens't want to hear me vent about how upset i am..

i don't know what to say or think at this very moment.. parts of me are hurting deep down inside and i'm afraid i'm going to get back into old habits where i cut myself to ease the pain i have building up inside..

it's a horrible addiction that i have to harm myself.. i'll do it in anyway possible.. from drinking.. to drugs.. to self harm.. to just about everythings.. i'm not afraid of death.. and i want it to come quickly.. even if it's long and torturous.. i don't care.. i can't stand this world right now and what it's putting people through..
i hate these emotions..

i'm starting to get back into these depressed thoughts..
depression is taking me over once again..
and i'm gonna crawl into that hole and not want to come back out again till i'm fucking ready..

but anyways..
thanks.. no one reads this anyways.. but it sure helps me out alot..

i'm forgotten and no one cares..
i'm left in the dark..
and i need light to shine..

someone bring me out of this fucked up state of mind please..

so here i am again.. once again fucked up out of my mind.. i'm becoming something that i never thought would of happened in my entire life.. i don't want to be hooked on pills.. i don't want to drink anymore.. i want to be sober.. i want to have a life.. i want to love someone as much as they love me..

these pills are fucking with my head and my body..
i've lost weight.. in an unhealthy way.. i want to become skinny.. bu in a good way..
i like this addiction.. but i can't get to far in it.. i don't want to live my life as a lie and be totally fucked up all the time.. i want to experience life with an all natural high.. i want to live life with someone who can understand my way of thinking..

tonight i feel as though i'm lost in a world of nothingness.. i feel as though i am nothing..

i saw people tonight that i have known for awhile and they still made me feel unwelcome..

i don't like how people are being coniving bitches behind my back.. i don't like how people lie to me about how they feel about me being in the room.. i want everyone to realize that i'm not as bad and they are all making me out to be..

for example.. first time i saw nick.. i thought that he was funny and pretty cool.. and then when i came over to tiffy's house to just hang out.. i ran into him again.. and there was something about him that made it so i couldn't even turn my head and i was instantly attracted.. but it was awkward because i didn't know he has a girlfriend at the time and he wouldn't move so i could play with the computer.. and she walked in.. so i felt like the asshole that night where i cause someone to fight..
turns out that it was fine.. and he wanted me there..
then i saw him again.. and my world got fucked up hardcore with these fucking pills.. to the point where i puked.. but he was such a great guy.. i was in and out of consciousness and he stayed with me the whole time.. slept in my friends bed next to me.. and i remember his buddy coming upstairs asking if i was still breathing..

to come back to the breathing thing.. one of these days i want to just stop breathing.. i want to leave this world in such a state of mind where i can't remember and live happily ever after.. i could care less to live or die at this very moment..

but anyways.. nick and i started hanging out more.. and joking around how we would end up together..
well.. it happened.. and i couldn't even tell you when we started dating..
but this is one big trip or path in my life that i totally like.. but really fucking dislike at the same time..

i like being with someone..
but i love the drugs..
i love him being with me and helping me..
but the help is only fucking me up more..

i'm to a point where i can just keep venting so please bear with me..

his ex kat really bothers me.. she needs him for every little beck and call.. if something is wrong he has to go fix it.. why can't people just grow up at times?

i want someone to love me..
i want someone to fucking hold me and never let go..
i want someone who is just like me..
i want someone that makes life happy..
i want someone to give me love..
i want just a fucking hug right now..

whatever happened??
to the good ol days?
what happened to the old megan?

i use to not give two shits in the world.. i use to not do drugs like i do now.. i use to not drink so much.. i use to be the goody goody.. and now look at me.. i care about everything.. i worry way to fucking much.. i want to be in love.. but i'm terrified that i'm losing it.. i want to know what i have to do to not lose something that is as precious that i have caught..

i want to be that something that he thinks about all the time..
i want to be that one where he can turn to and not keep anything from me..
i want to be the one where he will never let me go because he sees what i have to offer him..
i don't want to get beat..
i don't want to be mentally abused like i have been in the past..
i don't want him to use me like all the other guys have..

i'm just rambling and this probably doens't make sense.. it doesn't even make sense to me right now.. my mind is boggled.. and it's obvious that i can't keep my mind stright..

i need help i believe..
i need help to become the old megan..
no more pills..
no more drinking..

i'm done..

lets just end it all right now..

ok..

i'm done..

laters..

peace and love..
smiles and hugs..
meg

dear him..
i'm sorry to do this.. but what in other ways can you tell me that you want to be with me? i've shown you everything i have to offer.. and i was doing a way better job then i ever had being with someone.. i fuck up alot.. and i don't intend to do things like i have in the past.. i really truely want a future with you.. you have everything i look for.. but it seems it might not be the right time.. or i'm not the one for you.. i don't know what you want from me., but when your in a relationship it has to work from both sides.. not just one.. so here i am thinking about what i should do.. and i came to the conclusion that i'm not gonna speak your name.. or even attempt to get ahold of you for the next day or so..
you need to communicate with me.. it's not a one sided story here.. it takes two to work through things.. and i already said i'm willing to put in 100% if you are.. i feel as though i'm only getting like 20% out of you.. if even that..
i don't know if you want you want me to.. i have no options left except to ignore you like you are doing with me..
i'm sorry..
but i love you dearly..
meg

if you say you love me like you do!
prove it to me!

i'm at a point in my life.. where i'm sick and tired of being stepped on.. i'm sick of being everyones stepping stool so that they feel better..

i'm also at a point in my life where i want a TRUE relationship.. i want to be with someone who loves me for who i am.. i want someone who i can be with for the rest of my life.. i want to be with someone who i can respect as a human being.. and they have the same respect for me..

i don't want to argue..
i don't want to be upset or mad with..
i want to share happiness..
i want to share love..
i want to share my life with someone with the same outlook as me..

how hard is it to find someone.. well.. from what i've been going through.. it's really fucking tough..

i don't want to write more.. so i'll do it later.. maybe..

so i went to flordia and came back.. but i don't care to write about that this moment..

i've been hanging out with bill strit for the last few months.. and he's a really great kid..
i met his mom and dad.. we had dinner together..
and he told me his mom has brain cancer.. which is fine.. i don't judge ppl on how they look and what not.. and i excepted her as a friend and i truely liked her..

well.. this last week.. she wasn't doing to good.. and it was about her time.. so i kept hanging out with billy to just make sure he is alright and what not.. cuz that's the type of person i am.. i care about everyone and everything.. and i worry to much yes.. but i can't help it.. it's just in my nature..

i went up to his house today.. had a drink with him.. played some pool.. and just hung out.. near the end.. he started to break down and i tried my hardest not to cry.. and i got this sense over me where i needed to go b/c i felt his mom passing on..

i left his house at 930.. and that is when i started to cry.. i couldn't cry in front of him just b/c i wanted to let him know i was strong.. and that i would be there for him 100%.. and i'm gonna keep my word till the end with him.. he's a great friend of mine.. and i will let nothing get in between that..

no i'm not gonna date him.. last time i dated a great friend.. it turned ugly and now we can enevr speak again.. may i mention i dated my good friend back in the day for only 3 days.. and now it haunts me b/c still to this day i wonder where our friendship/relationship would of went..

anyways.. back to billy.. i left his house at 930.. came home.. and i shot him a text that said.. "if you can't sleep. you more then welcome to come here and sleep next to me if that is more comfortable for you" he says back "my mom died at 10"

this is where it hit me.. it's not my mom.. but since i've been there for only a month now.. and this past week i've been there everyday.. i cried.. it wasn't even my own mom.. and i still cried..

this was something so tough to do.. and i became weak..

i just want to make sure billy is going to be ok..

and parts of me wants him to show up at my door step so i can give him a huge hug..

and parts of me feels like i should just run up to his and give him a huge hug..

i cna't go up there.. i would be out of place..

i feel like i should do something.. but in reality.. there is nothing i can do..

my emtions are shot this week.. i don't even know how to really react to something like this..

i'm glad i felt that coming on.. i gave billy one last bear hug.. and took off.. and as soon as i left his driveway.. i knew she was gone..


rip billy's mom.. and thanks for dinner.. it was great.. i hope your in a better place now.. and you will never be forgotten.. much love..

theres my rant.. sorry..
<3 meg

i'm done with all this fake ass drama..
i'm done with all these "fake ass friends"

if i don't talk to you.
then you will understand that i don't trust you.
i've moved on with my pathetic little life.
i want real friends.
and there is only one of those that i have now.
but he lives to far away.

talk shit about me behind my back.
sure thing.
i'm use to it you fucker!
you start all of it anyways.

make me look like the bad guy.
when all i want in this world is to make everyone happy.
but it seems to fall back on me.

i'm changing my:
-life
-friends
-EVERYTHING!

i can't handel this shit anymore.
i'm done.
farewell.
have a great day!
meg !

i kinda miss his body.
i feel lonely.
i don't want to be alone anymore.

i want to cuddle.
i want to feel the lips up against mine.
i want to have these feelings come back to where i'm not alone anymore.
i want to feel his fingers lightly line my back.
i want to feel him whisper sweet sayings into my ears.
i want him to hold me and never let go.

i know he is out there somewheres.

just have to find him.

till then.

on with work.
on with art.
on with my future.

meh.

meg :/

and in the end, the words wont matter, cause in the end, nothing stays the same, and in the end, dreams just scatter and fall like rain..

so warm.. so smooth to the touch..

his hair in my fingers..

his lips on my neck..

his hands on my back..

tangled in a ball of joy..

it was so beautiful..





what i experienced.. was something wonderful..
i can't explain it in words..
it was so passionate..
so exotic..
so romantic..


it felt like love..

if only you knew..

that was a best day to go down in the books..
i just hope to cross paths with you once again..

much love.

meg

so come on,
get higher,
loosen my lips,
faith and desire and the swing of your hips,
just pull me down hard and drown me in love





















tehe.

so when is this happening?

we will soon find out..

meg :)



ps. good times.. good times..

so i was sitting here online with one of my good old friends talking about life..

he sent this..

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you!"

it's from a movie yes.. but it's very inspirational..



talked to al tonight and that was also a life talk..



like i said in a previous entry..

I NEED ME TIME!




i really have nothing more to say really..


i'm ready..

meg :)

someone just grab me and hold me so i can cry my heart out for a few minutes to just feel a tad bit better?






whoever does that..

i wont be able to thank you enough..

i just don't know what to do anymore..
i don't feel good enough for anyone..
i want someone to come into my life..
take me off my feet..
put me in such an aw..

i try and make sure everyone is fine..
i save one life at a time..
but it's time to save myself..
it's time for me to be me..
time for me to learn about myslef..
my likes.. my dislikes..

i like art..
i love music..
i love writing songs..
but i do'nt know how to preform them..
i think i want to learn more about that..

i dislike popcorn..
i'm not a big fan of stubborn people..
selfish people make me upset..

maybe that is why i'm so upset..
maybe i'm selfish..
i like things my way at times..
but it's time for a change..

it's time for me to love myself..
no more being put on the back burner..
or just forgot about..

if you want to forget about me.. then do it..
it's not gonna hurt me..

right now i just need the people that mean the most to me..
and there is a selected few that i can trust..

anthony.. aaron.. neners.. jen.. big jen.. bono.. hargrave.. and jake..

maybe i put my trust out there to easy and just get stepped on..
i'm afarid of myseld..

i'm ready to go into this world..
i'm ready to grow up..
i'm ready to start my life..

i want to be by myself..
i want to learn by myself..

i just want close friends incase i need to be put back into place..

other then that.

i don't think i have much more to say..

i'm going to stonybrook today..
i need to get my thoughts clear..
and this is a perfect oppertunity..
then when i get back..
it's time to write up my resume..
and start finding a great job..

hope everyone is well..
take it easy..
much love..

meg :)

this sober thing really stinks..
i'm cold.. then hot.. then cold.. then hot..
i feel like i need to vomit 24/7
i just want to get through this..
and i feel a relaspe coming on..
but i'm fighting it with all i have..

my heart on the other hand..

it's hurt.. loved.. confused..
i've been here with al since monday..
and i'm shocked to see him not all over me..
and i kinda like it.. but it feels awkward..
i even had to ask him if there was someone else..
and he said no..
but i just have a huge trust thing right now..
i don't know if i can trust him..
i don't even know if i can trust myself..

it's like with this drinking thing for me..
i can't trust that i'm going to ever pick up another bottle.
or just even have one shot of some sort..
it's going through my mind constantly..
but i'm getting through..
i haven't touched a drink since saterday..
sunday will be the first week that i haven't had a drink..

i thank all of you who are helping me through this.
it means alot to me..
even if i'm not around..
i know you are thinking about me and wondering if i'm doing alright..
i have to say.. that i'm in a better position then i was at home..
there is a bar around the corner from here that i can see from this window..
and i know there is one like right next door also.
but i'm staying clear of it..
and i plan on staying away for a long time..

i'm getting back into my art work..
and i'm enjoying every minute of it..
i got some ieas for some new stuff..
and once i'm done writing my thoughts down..
then i think i'm gonna get to work on that..

i'm here at al's..
i feel alone most of the time..
i'm glad to see he wants the best for me..
but i want to see him do the same..
i'm glad things are going uber slow..
but i have to gain trust..
from both parts..
i don't know if he trust me..
i feel like this is a new slate..
and i don't want to fuck this up..
i can't thank him enough..
even through some hard patches...

there is one person that i have been thinking about..
anthony!
i want to know how he is doing on this sober kick..
i know i'm geekin..
but he has to be worse then me.
anthony.. i hope your doing great love..
i'm still here if you need anything..
just email me on my myspace..
i don't have aim available at the moment..
not when i'm here at al's.

but anyways.. i'm gonna get to making some art..

i love you!

meg :)

but i don't think that sunday i was really sober.. i think i was still drunk from saterdy night..
about saterday.. does anyone know what happened to me??

i woke up sunday with vomit all over my clothes..
pulling weeds from a dtich out of my hair..
and i don't remember anything from the grill at all..
so if someone can fill me in.. that would be uber great..
and sorry to anyone if i pissed them off somehow.. haha.

al got ahold of me..
and he's not doing all that well..
neither am i..
with this whole sober thing.
but i'm glad that we are talking and trying to figure things out.
all i know is that he better get better before me..

got the movie zietguiest in today.. thanks justin :)

i'm wondering how anthony is doing..

but anyways..

i gotta fill out this paper work to become a pca. and then after that heading back to al's place and making sure he is gonna be alright.

i don't really know what more to say..
hope you have a wonderful day.

much love.
meg :)